What makes something truth vs. a lie?
And what happens when we assume everything we believe is true?
In this episode, we’re talking about the power of questioning our beliefs, three of the common lies we believe, and how believing them is keeping us from living our best life.
If you struggle with hurt feelings, people pleasing, searching for happiness or struggling with money, this one’s for you.
The full episode:
Hey friends! Thank you for listening to another episode of Beyond Happy. I’m so glad you’re here. If it’s your first time listening, WELCOME. Let me introduce myself. I’m Becky Hoschek, and I’m a Certified Life Coach. I work with mostly women, but my listeners and coaching clients tend to be people who value personal growth, and believe that investing in their well-being is the biggest gift they can give to themselves and those they care about. Here on Beyond Happy my intent is to teach you tangible, applicable, real life tools you can use to level up your mental and emotional health immediately, if you choose to. We talk about all kinds of life topics around here, but the common theme is always this – your mind – your brain – is the most powerful asset you have in life. And we often don’t understand our brain enough to fully use it. We know that our thoughts are powerful, so powerful that they alone create our entire life experience. And the best part is that are thoughts are a choice. We can choose them. We can change them. So when you learn how to change your mind, you can change your life. These tools really work, and they can allow you to create tremendous life change. Beyond what you maybe thought was even possible. Isn’t that exciting? I’m passionate about this work because I’ve seen what can happen when you apply it. So welcome and thank you for listening.
What’s going on? What are you up to today? As I sit here and record, I always try to picture what you’re up to when you’re listening. Maybe you’re on a run, or at the gym. Maybe you’re on a lunch break at work or walking the dog. Driving kids to school. Folding laundry. Whatever you’re doing and wherever you’re listening from, I’m just so thankful you’re right here in this moment because you’re investing in you, just by listening. And it means everything. Because when you take the time to do this, to make that investment in you, it’s not just you who is better because of it. Right? When you change how you’re showing up for you, you’re showing up differently for everyone else around you too. Family, friends, kids, co-workers. All of it. There’s a ripple effect to your own personal and spiritual growth and I just love that you’re right here where I can share what I have for you today.
Today’s episode title may have caught your attention. We’re talking about lies. Specifically, we’re talking about the lies we believe. Because we all do.
Now, let’s start by talking about what makes something a lie vs. what makes something true. When we start to become an observer of our own thoughts, maybe even for the first time, we can start to question everything. Everything we believe. And for our purposes here, what makes something true is what you yourself believe. Because a belief is just a thought you choose to think over and over. When I dig in with clients, we often find that there are things we believe, and have believed, our entire lives, because that’s what we were taught at a young age. And when we’re kids, we don’t have the discretion to question what we’re being told yet, right? So we believe what we’re told, usually by parents and teachers and others in our life. We may have been taught things that aren’t necessary “true”. We may have been taught things as fact that actually are not. So we grow up into adults believing certain things about ourselves and the world around us, just accepting them as true, because that’s how we were taught to believe. So we did.
But what I want to offer you today is that there are things we believe that aren’t really true. That aren’t the factual, concrete truths we might think. The thing is, there are circumstances, and there are thoughts and beliefs. Circumstances are fact. They are provable in a court of law. They are usually agreed on by all people. Circumstances are fact, but beliefs are not. Beliefs are just thoughts we’ve chosen to believe. Now, many people may share our beliefs, but that still doesn’t make them factual.
And these lies that we believe, they become so ingrained within us, even becoming parts of our identity sometimes, that the idea that they might not be true can be jarring at first. It’s kind of like, what if I told you that grass isn’t really green? You were taught that, you’ve believed that your entire life – you accept that just as is. But what if I told you that grass really ISN’T green after all? You might feel like your brain is going to explode, right?! How can this be?! Or what if I told you, hey, 2+2 isn’t ACTUALLY 4. I know that’s what you were taught, I know that’s what you’ve believed your whole life, but, turns out, that wasn’t true. Whaaat?! Your brain has a lot of thoughts about that, right? It’s uncomfortable to think that something you believe might not be true, and PART of that is because there’s a lot of comfort in believing you know something, and in believing you’re right. Your brain likes to be right.
But it’s worth it to question these things because believing these lies that we’re going to talk about may not be serving you well. Believing these lies may be holding you back from living your best life. These lies may be very limiting beliefs. And that’s why I wanted to talk about them and explore the possibility that everything you believe may not be true.
So today, I just want you ask you to be open to the idea that you might be believing some things that aren’t true. We’re going to talk about the top 5 I see when working with clients – so here we go with the 5 Lies We Believe.
Lie #1. People Hurt Your Feelings.
We’re taught this at an early age, and many of us who are parents are probably teaching our kids the same. “You hurt Mommy’s feelings.” “You hurt your brother’s feelings.” “Did your friend at school hurt your feelings?” We might think we’re teaching kids to be respectful and kind. But what we’re really teaching them is that their feelings are created by other people instead of teaching them that feelings are caused by our own minds – our own thoughts.
What’s wrong with this? You might say. Well, what happens is, believing that other people can hurt us leads us to try to control other people. We become actors who try manipulate what others think about us and say about us and do toward us. We try to please other people so that they won’t hurt our feelings and we won’t hurt theirs. Our life becomes a dance of tip-toeing around other people… not stepping on them because we think we’ll hurt them, while also being careful because we believe they might hurt us. And in the process of doing this, we lose ourselves because we’re showing up as the real us. We’re showing up as the version of ourselves that we think others want to see. It’s exhausting.
We believe it’s important to be nice and kind so you don’t hurt other people’s feelings, but the truth is, we are responsible for our own feelings. I’m responsible for mine, and you are responsible for yours. As hard as it may be to believe, you can’t hurt someone else’s feelings. And they can’t hurt yours. It’s our thoughts about what someone else says or does that create the hurtful feelings. Every time. It’s always what we make it MEAN. Now, does that mean we should just say or do whatever we feel like to whomever we want, and disregard the consequences of doing that? Because they’re the ones responsible for their feelings? No. Not at all. Many of us are still going to want to show up as kind, respectful people. Those of us who are parents will still want to teach our kids the same. BUT. It has everything to do with your motives. Coming from a genuine place of behaving a certain way because you WANT to, because that serves you well and creates the kind of life you want to live is very different from acting a certain way towards someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. And it’s so empowering to know that you get to decide how you want to think and feel – no matter who you’re around or what they may be doing. You’re in the driver’s seat because you get to decide. You get to decide how you want to show up, and you get to decide what to make other people’s words and actions mean. It’s mind-blowing when you realize that ALL of this is in your hands. So the thought that other people can hurt your feelings is a lie.
Lie #2. We Should Be Happy All The Time.
You guys. This one gets me. Because it’s so prevalent and I see it leading to so much disappointment and sadness when it’s not the reality we live in. We live in a world that tells us this is the goal. Happiness. You should seek it, strive for it, chase it. You should buy all the things, do all the things and be all the things as long as it makes you happy. And what happens when we buy all the things, do all the things and try all the things and we still aren’t happy? It’s a relentless chase and a downward spiral.
I don’t believe we were meant to be happy all the time because we aren’t happy all the time. I don’t know anyone who is. That’s why I love the name of this podcast, Beyond Happy. I think life is about so much more beyond being happy. I believe there is purpose in happy moments and joy just as much as there is purpose in the challenges, the hard and sad times. It’s often in those parts of life that we experience the emotions we describe as unpleasant and uncomfortable where we GROW. Where we evolve and becoming who we’re becoming. I believe we were created to experience the highs and the lows of being human because THAT’S THE WAY IT IS. For all of us. In scripture it says, You will have trouble. There is certainty in that, and I believe there’s great purpose in that too. And you can’t have one without the other, right? There is no happy without sad. You can’t appreciate the highs if you’ve never been low. You have to experience both for either of them to be understood.
So not only do I believe we aren’t supposed to be happy all the time, but what about those around us? Do you find yourself trying to cheer up your spouse when they aren’t happy? Or how about your kids? If they’re having a tough day and are unhappy, do you have an urge to want to fix it for them? Make it all better?
As women, I see us doing this a lot. We feel like it’s our job to make sure everyone around us is happy. Friends. Partners. Kids. Co-workers. The challenge here is that not only is it not your job to keep everyone happy – it’s impossible. It’s literally not possible for you to make someone else happy. We know that our feelings are created by our thoughts, and we simply can’t control what someone else is feeling, just like we talked about other people not being able to control or create our own feelings. When we try to make others around us happy, we fail. It’s defeating, disempowering and exhausting. When we let go and realize it’s not in our control to make others happy, it brings SO much freedom and peace of mind. It changes how we show up for ourselves and for them.
What I want to offer is that there is danger in believing the lie that we should be happy all the time. It sets us up for inevitable disappointment. If we believe we’re supposed to be happy and we’re not, we might think it’s our fault, we might think we’ve screwed it all up and done something wrong. We may feel hopeless. Believing that being happy is the most important thing can confuse our priorities and can lead us to chase worldly, meaningless things that aren’t going to bring that peace and happiness we are so desperately seeking. The world we live in makes it very inviting, very tempting to seek fulfillment through outside things that don’t matter. But we chase them anyway because of that believe that we’re supposed to be happy. That that’s the goal. I choose to believe that we’re not supposed to be happy all the time. Kids. Adults. All of us. I believe that as humans we’re supposed to experience a range of emotions, because that is part of what it is to be human. And that belief serves me really well.
Lie #3 is Working Hard Creates Money.
Yesssss, money. Money brings up all sorts of thoughts for us, doesn’t it? This is one that I personally am still working through. I for sure was raised to believe that hard work equals money. That money is directly connected to the hours we work, how hard we work – that those determine how much money we’ll make. The harder you work, the more you’ll earn. What I’m learning is that those things aren’t what makes money.
How do I know? There are so many people out there working their tails off. Multiple jobs, long hours, committed, hard-working people. And they don’t make much money at all. There are entrepreneurs out there working 100 hours a week, putting all of their time and energy into a business that is earning zero profit. Zero. On the flip side, I know people in jobs where they just have to show up for a handful of hours each week at their office, and do what needs to be done minimally to get by, and who are paid what most of us would consider a very high income. I also know entrepreneurs who are intentionally working two days per week from home and earning a seven-figure income.
How can that be?
It’s because it isn’t hard work that creates money. Creating value does. If you believe you get paid for your time – the hours of work you put into something – there’s a limit, right? There are only so many hours in a day. Believing that you can only reach your financial goals by working more and more and harder and harder… does that align with the way to envision living out your life? Is that thought about money serving you?
Creating value creates money. Creating value can look like a lot of different things. Sometimes, creating value does involve a lot of hours and hard work. But not always. Sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes it doesn’t take much time. Sometimes it’s fun.
So I want to ask you, what do you believe about money? Because the way you think about it will determine how much of it you have. Our beliefs about money can really keep us stuck and can impact how we’re showing up in life.
Do you believe it’s easy to earn money or hard?
Do you believe money is abundant or scarce?
Do you believe you’ll never have enough money or that you’ll always have enough?
Do you believe money is fun or that money is evil?
Do you believe money creates freedom and opportunity, or that money creates greed?
If you don’t feel good about money or you don’t feel you have as much of it as you’d like, challenge your thoughts about it. I believe that money is neutral. Neither good or bad. I believe it’s your intent and what you want to DO with it that means anything. A lot of good can come from creating value that leads to money. It can buy you time. Work less and spend more time doing things you feel called to. It can allow you to give generously. Provide you with opportunities to learn. Allow you the freedom to live a life like no one else is living, whether that’s quitting your day job and starting your own business, living mortgage-free or selling your home and traveling the world for a year.
Your mindset about money and the beliefs you have about it play out in your life in so many ways – and this is true whether you’re the breadwinner in your family or you aren’t. There are a lot of parallels between what we believe to be true about money and what we believe to be true about our life, so I invite you to really take some time to explore the thoughts you have and the lies you might be believing about money.
Okay guys, there you have it. 3 lies we believe. And remember, I shared these three lies because they can really have an impact on how they play out in the bigger picture of our lives. To recap, the three lies we believe that we talked about today are:
- People can hurt our feelings.
- We’re supposed to be happy all the time.
- Working hard creates money.
Like I mentioned at the beginning of this episode – it can be a little jarring to consider beliefs you’ve considered to be truths for much of your life. I totally get that. It’s always 100% up to you what you choose to believe, and I offer each one of these as food for thought. Sometimes, when confronted with a new belief that I’m not quite sure about, I like to ask myself, “What if this were true? Just “what if”? What would choosing to believe this new thought create in my life? This creates some white space, some breathing room for you to try a new thought on and see how it feels. Some you may love from the get-go. Some you may wrestle with. It’s a process, but it’s so worth questioning even lifelong beliefs, because you may have never before considered what those beliefs are creating for you in the present moment.
As we wrap up this episode of Beyond Happy, I want to issue you a challenge. See what other lies you might be believing. Maybe things will come up from your childhood. Maybe some will be beliefs you found as an adult, that you’re not sure are really true for you. See what comes up and as always, you get to choose which ones you keep and which ones you let go.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode, 3 Lies We Believe. I hope it’s given you some new perspectives and really the permission to question what you want to believe in your life. Remember, beliefs are thoughts we think over and over, and our thoughts are so powerful. The thoughts we choose are what are creating our life experience. What a blessing that we can change them if we want to.
If you found this episode helpful, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Or sister. Or mom. Thank you for being here and hanging out. Thank you for your kind words, your feedback and your reviews! They are helping others like you find Beyond Happy and I’m so thankful for that! And make sure you’ve subscribed to Beyond Happy if you haven’t already. That way you’ll never miss an episode, you’ll have new ones land in your iTunes the moment they release AND you’ll get Bonus episodes that you may not find otherwise.
Oh my goodness. How could I forget this! MY NEW WEBSITE IS LIVE. Guys this project has been months in the making and I am thrilled to invite you to visit my new online home. It has helpful tools and resources, details and show notes for the podcast, information about my coaching and what working with me looks like, and is really just a wealth of information with the goal of serving you well so that you can show up in life like you want to. You can visit the site at beckyhoschek.com. Excited for you to check that out.
Have the best day! See you next week.